Brownies & STUFF

Do you ever just cry over dumb stuff? Kinda like a grown up 2 year old? Because I just cried over brownies. And I wasn’t eating them. I was cutting them for a church function and they fell apart into total mush and in my soul I just whispered GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET ME SCREW SOMETHING ELSE UP. 

My heart just hurts and I struggle with depression behind the scenes most of the time and it’s stuff like this that threatens to push me over the edge. 

But God. 

I heard in my spirit a verse I’ve been meditating on for a couple weeks. “If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small.” Now before you giggle about my adversity = mushy brownies let me explain. 

My husband is sort of a public figure. He’s not famous (yet) but in our little community, people know him. Some really know him well, and some think they do. Unfortunately, the people who think they know him are often wrong but are mostly the ones who speak the loudest. About him. And sometimes me. AND IT HURTS. And we have children, y’all. When it trickles down to them….that’s when I faint.  

Why couldn’t he be a carpenter? He could just hide in the garage and create beautiful things and I could market them and sell them for lots of money and everyone would love him and love his work? And he could watch ESPN all.day.long. I would bring him meals. And he wouldn’t miss any of our boy’s games. 

I know lots of wives who deal with this and handle it MUCH better than I do. I have a lot to learn. They would say to hold my head up high and press on and not to listen to the “haters”. 

But it’s deeper than that for me. 

I know that it is hurting people who hurt people. 

And what I want for me and my husband and our boys is to be people who bring healing to hurting people, not a target. I know Jesus made a way for that. It’s just not very comfortable all the time. Like it makes me cry over brownies.

I’m tired of us being a target. 

And yes I know I have done it many times. I’ve been the hurt one hurting others. I hate it when I do. When I realize I’ve done it the Lord gives me strength to go and ask forgiveness and try to move on. It’s not pretty or fun in the process but the end result is usually beautiful. Some of my closest friends now are the people I hurt in the past. Talk about rich relationships…that f word is powerful. Forgiving friend.

When I think about that, the Lord kindly reminds me that this world is not my home. This life isn’t about me and my comfort and my pleasure. I find great JOY in that. Odd, huh? I guess it’s because He shows me the bigger picture in the pain. The purpose behind the puncture wounds that no one can really see and if I tried to reveal them it would be very embarrassing. They are deep. But He goes deeper. And is totally committed to healing them from the inside out. 

I do believe that even the most hurt people who are hurting other people can be lead to Jesus by the way we respond to the hurt. So maybe it’s in being a “target” that we will show them the way to be set free. That will now be my prayer. We don’t always know how to handle it or react with holiness in the moment but He’s bigger than that too.  

I won’t ever boast in being a target because I don’t want to ask for unnecessary attention. Remember, I would rather shrink back and avoid the exposure. But the Lord keeps telling me we can handle this. He is up to something. He doesn’t waste anything. There is a resurrection coming. And my man was MADE to do what he’s doing. We are all in the refining process and neither of us is above it but we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we need to be doing. 

I’m going to tap into God’s strength today. Because my strength is small. Like..miniscule. Is that a word? And while red wine has helped in the past I’m kind of over that now.  Plus it’s too early and I have mushy brownies to resurrect for a church event.

How do "brownie balls" sound? The boys will love that.