We’ve all been where I am today. Hurting. Wanting to hide in the closet or the bathroom or the car or the PANTRY. That’s where the chips are, after all.
As a woman (I can only speak for women here, clearly) when we get in a position of vulnerability where we are hurting…there is often a very real desire to fake it till you make it. To pick up the pieces of the hurting girl inside and just act like everything is going to be alright. In fact as I walked up to the woman about to take my lunch (binge) order she said “How are you today?” And what do you think I said?? “GREAT! I’m great! How are you?” Because if I was honest with her I would pour out way too many words and way too many tears and she would realize I AM NOT COPING WELL TODAY. No one has time for that.
So we suck it up. We put on our poised speech and our “I’m fine” act and we hold our heads up high and we walk on. We tell ourselves we don’t have time for pain. People need us to be whole, not broken. We must get it together. Perseverance is biblical, after all. And today is payday. I’m totally tempted to buy a new pair of shoes. That’ll help.
The lies just keep coming. Obviously. Maybe if I run away it’ll help? Or I could always just try the phone-a-friend gripe session approach. That never works. Even in my flesh I know that NEVER works.
I don’t need to feel validated right now. I need to be quieted and calmed and allowed to hurt.
Somewhere inside me as I made my plans to patch up the pain and press on I heard a still small voice.
“Are you going to be brazen or broken?”
And the tears pooled in my eyes and that feeling in my stomach was there….you know the one. So I looked up the word “brazen.” It means BOLD and without shame. Made of brass. Or used as a verb: “endure an embarrassing or difficult situation by behaving with apparent confidence and lack of shame.” It goes on with some synonyms: put on a bold front, stand one’s ground, be defiant, be unrepentant, be unabashed…
I am not in an embarrassing situation. But it’s difficult. Being brazen sort of sounds like a 2 year old.
Also there is NO ROOM FOR GOD THERE.
So I take a deep breath and speak it out loud; “I choose BROKEN.”
Know what happens when we confess that with our mouths and minds and hearts? He rushes in.
He is near to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit. YES my spirit IS crushed Lord HOW do you know these things?!!? Wait. Duh. Ok. Sorry.
He whispers “It’s ok.”
“Yes. It is. I paid for the unbroken and brazen YOU.”
Oh my goodness yes….yes you did.
“And I will never turn you away, my child. Not in the darkest days or the brightest days. Not when you’re falling apart and not when you think you have it all together. The door is open between me and you. Bring me the broken.”
So I take a deep breath and the tears stop because WOW that is the most humbling and empowering truth. Here I am, Lord. Here’s the broken.
And He says “Thank you, Shea. I’ll make it beautiful.”
And I’m reminded that He has, He IS and He will…continue…to make the broken me into a beautiful me.