no more.

I got a Stitch Fix today. I just kept looking at it sitting on our bed. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t excited to open it. But I totally wasn’t. I’ve been in a funk and trying to climb out has been unbelievably tough. EVERY STEP IS HARD. I’m not motivated to make coffee, I’m not motivated to shower, I have no desire to fix my hair, I would ignore ALL TEXTS if I thought I could get by with it. This is depression. I’ve been faking it and some of you know it and God is at work in and through me and blah blah blah BUT IT IS HARD. 

So I thought “hey - open the box…try on the clothes…maybe it’ll lift your spirits.” 

I opened the box. All the pieces were drab. Dark colors. Skinny jeans and I’m not skinny. (Don’t argue with me because I know you’re lying.) A bracelet that looks like it came out of a Cracker Jack Box. Only $28. I tried the clothing on. It all fit but none of it looked good. And in the mirror as I was checking out my thighs in overpriced jeans that I HAVE NO BUSINESS EVEN TRYING ON….I saw a little boy on TV that caught my eye. On the nightly news that I forgot to turn off. 

Yeah. I forgot to silence the reality of what is going on around us. So I can live my comfortable life. 

Tonight I accidentally left the national news on.  And in the background in the mirrored reflection of me in my stitch fix pants, was a lifeless little boy on a beach. A victim of the Syrian crisis. He was trying to escape with his family and his boat overturned. He died and laid lifeless on the beach.

AND I AM STANDING THERE IN $98 PANTS. 

no more. 

I am brought to my knees. My priorities are completely out of control.

I repent of my materialism and the way I have given in to what the world offers as a cure for us. We turn to so many things to “lift our spirits.”  Anecdotes and accessories to bring us happiness - even just for a moment. Some jeans, Some name-brand-high-dollar accessories, a quote on Pinterest, a FB article talking about creating a brand for ourselves to draw more people to us. 

I DO NOT WANT TO DRAW PEOPLE TO ME. 

I want to draw them to JESUS. 

And I’m doing a lousy job in my Stitch Fix pants. Or my TJ Maxx pants. Ok maybe not in my Ross pants. A girl’s gotta have pants to wear when she talks about Jesus. 

Anyway the bottom line is that I don’t know what this looks like - I don’t know what’s next - but I know I’m going to make a change.

A BIG CHANGE.

I can’t stand and look at myself in the mirror any more when there is so much pain and suffering. The girl in the mirror isn’t the answer. But she has the hope of HEAVEN inside her.

She gets distracted by her thighs and jeans.

I’m sending back the pants. I'm canceling stitch fix. (and not judging you if you don't)

But I’m turning to Jesus for a LIFE FIX. I know it’s cheesy but I want long and lasting heart change. Only found in Him. 

Wanna join me? I know a million ways we can make a difference. I just don’t often walk in those ways because it’s uncomfortable and not fun to chat about over coffee or wine. 

It is too late for the boy I saw on the news tonight.

But it's not too late for the children who are just a few miles away who go to sleep hungry and unloved. Or the ones in our house who don't know the meaning of "need." Every need they have is MET.  In abundance. They can learn to serve. We can soften their heart to the reality of the world and stop throwing cash and the latest version of Nikes at them every time they express a need.

Mamas...our kids have so many clothes and shoes they don't even remember where they leave them. WE DO TOO.

Our kids don't finish a bag of chips because they opened them when they weren't even really hungry. They eat when they're bored. Because it's available to them.  

That is not the norm.

Lots of kids go to bed hungry.

I love serving my own children. But are we teaching them to serve? 

I’m done with being afraid of being uncomfortable. For myself and my family. 

And here it is on the interwebs for all to see. Hold me accountable.