unstable joy

We recently got laminate flooring put in our house. The .99 per square foot kind. 

In my humble opinion, it looks like a million bucks. My boys hate it and I’ve spent almost as much money on rugs as we did on the flooring. But the mission was accomplished in that the old dirty carpet is GONE. 

It has taken several weeks for me to find the energy to put everything back where it goes. Or even to decide if we want to move stuff around. Again. I love moving furniture around!! But my husband is D O N E with it so I decided to go ahead and move some pics around, move some decor from one room to another, etc. 

Confession: I can be a perfectionist. One look at my house would give you the right to call me a liar but it’s more of a mental thing than an actual thing that manifests itself in a clean and tidy house. It manifests itself in a paralyzed brain. At least for me. 

In pursuit of a healthier mind, I began reading Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection.  A kind and humble friend sent it to me months ago and I just now picked it up. On God’s calendar, it was perfect timing. In my head, with every paragraph I read, I was beating myself up for not reading it sooner. (Pretty sure she addresses that behavior in there somewhere too.)

After chapter one, I messaged my kind and humble friend and gave her the appropriate thank you she deserved for sending such a powerful book…and telling her I picked it up (finally) and that it was perfect timing. She said she’s reading it again. 

She and I both are in a fight for JOY. 

Different circumstances, same fight. 

We are both learning about new tools to use to win the mental battle daily. One that Brené talks about in chapter one is courage. What does courage have to do with imperfection? Well, in my words, courage is what I need to push past the perfectionism and just do something to the best of my ability. Courage says YES when perfectionism says NO. That’s the way it works for me. 

I know, some are crooked. Pushing past imperfection ALL DAY LONG. 

I know, some are crooked. Pushing past imperfection ALL DAY LONG. 

So there’s this wall in our living room that has been blank for so long. And as a result, I don’t even like going in that room. It feels sterile and uncomfortable to me. I know the current trends in home decor is minimalism, whites and greys, less is best, no clutter, very intentionally placed succulents, maybe ONE family photo in black and white, etc. But when I would search pinterest, all the pics that caught my eye had tons of photos on the wall. TONS. And it looked so inviting to me. 

When I realized I had an hour to spare and an ounce of courage in me, I picked myself up and did the wall. It. Felt. So. Good. Between the pics I put some of my favorite scriptures/quotes. Well, one of each to be exact. 

After the wall was finished, I decided to go get my J-O-Y letters and put them back on top of our “mammoth” (that’s what my husband calls it) TV stand thingy. I’ve had those letters forever and don’t really care if they’re in style anymore. They’re beat up. Dusty. And hard to decorate with. 

As I climbed from the stool to the chair and grabbed the top of the TV stand thingy, I realized I was going to need something to hold up the Y. The bottom of it was bent so it wouldn’t stand up on it’s own - or even leaning on the J and the O like it did before. 

I remembered some ceramic crowns that I had purchased several years ago and my husband conveniently walked into the kitchen just as they came to mind. I asked him to grab one for me. He couldn’t find them. I was standing holding up the the Y and trying not to fall off the stool and praying for patience while he looked. I said I’d settle for a ramekin (he goes “what’s that??” “the thing you put your ranch dip in” “Oh….” and he couldn’t find that either…which is more evidence of my disorganized kitchen cabinets than it is of him being a male who can’t find stuff) and just when I was about to give up and get back down to find it myself, he found a crown. 

So as I held on to patience AND the top of the TV thingy, I made the crown fit into the back of the Y just enough to make it stand up. I got down, looked at it, and just said in my heart to God…

Excuse the dust. We leave it there to remind us where we came from. ;) 

Excuse the dust. We leave it there to remind us where we came from. ;) 

 

"This is so what you do. You hold up our joy with your crown. It’s that crown that bought my freedom from perfection. It’s that crown that gave me the courage to get up and do something today. To rise up with intention…pushing past fear and shame and depression. Our joy is busted and broken a lot. Bent. Dirty and dusty. And when are ready to put it back on display you say “here, take my crown” - and you share your glory with us in a way that brings the most immense joy in some of the smallest of life’s pleasures. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for coming to earth and giving up the crown life for awhile through Jesus so He could become like us and purchase the crown life for us.”

My dusty, dirty, beat up JOY is on display again.

Held up by the crown.

I’ll never move that crown or that Y. At least I don’t think I will. God is the One who gave me my creativity so I guess if He shows me another place to prop up my joy the next time I need a change…I’ll just go with it. And maybe write about it. 

There you have it. So perfectly imperfect. Including dirty laundry. Also....I've got to do something about that other side of the wall.... 

There you have it. So perfectly imperfect. Including dirty laundry. Also....I've got to do something about that other side of the wall....