Before this year is up, I want to share a journey with you. I need to. To defeat the enemy and turn what felt like failure and shame into victory and inspiration.
Last fall was a life-changing season for me. There was a day where the weight of my LACK of adoration for our God fell heavily upon me.
I was struggling with depression. Again.
I was bored with my mundane life. The rushing and running around and mess at my house and in my car and the constant demands of our chaotic life were all draining me.
I was very, very restless.
I had withdrawn from most of my friends because the things they enjoyed didn’t make me happy anymore. So I just backed off. Because no one wants to show up to the happy hour or the nail salon or a girls night out with a grouchy, restless, depressed soul. I settled on the fact that I was probably just an introvert. Eventually, I stopped getting invited to all the happy hours and nail dates. Which I knew was totally on me. I figured maybe something was wrong with me.
I was lonely. Which feeds depression.
Just to be clear, the journey I’m about to share with you isn’t about depression.
It’s about any distraction that robs us from living in a posture of adoration.
I remember the day so perfectly. I was at the car wash near our house vacuuming out my car. There was so much stuff. I was sorting through trash and clothes and school papers and leftovers. Disgusting. I’m a mom of three boys. There were random socks, shorts, hoodies, phone chargers, headphones… all littering the car.
There were also chicken nuggets. Pieces of waffle fries stuck in the crevices of the seats. And a lovely Polynesian sauce in the handle of the door. That made me pretty annoyed but I was proud of myself for being able to remove it without spilling it.
Lots of evidence of our fast-paced lifestyle… the lifestyle that was draining me.
I began to ask myself...and hoped God was listening... “Is this seriously my life? Cleaning up crumbs and washing clothes? Rushing from game to game and clapping in the stands and acting like I know what’s going on? Flying through drive-thrus and running to the grocery store with no energy and no list and no budget and no joy...?”
I guess the Holy Spirit nudged me or something… still not sure exactly how that works… but I suddenly realized in that moment… as those thoughts were going through my head… that I was singing out loud to a song on the radio. A song called “Overwhelmed” by Big Daddy Weave.
“… I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You…”
I was not overwhelmed by God. At all. I wasn’t delighting in Him. I wasn’t captivated by His beauty.
I was underwhelmed. Totally and completely underwhelmed. The only thing captivating me was our schedule. And those dang chicken nuggets. How long had they even been there????
I was restless.
Bored with my mundane life.
Standing there with the vacuum in my hand, I began to question myself and my faith. I knew the Bible. Most of it, anyway. Enough to know that people of faith in the Bible didn’t lead boring, mundane lives.
So I stopped singing. Because the words coming out of my mouth were a lie.
Right there, at the carwash, I confessed my lack of joy to Him. I acknowledged out loud that I was disturbed by how underwhelmed I was.
With a little bit of faith and a worn out soul, I whispered, “I want to be overwhelmed, Lord. Show me what that looks like.”